


Cold Contemplation

by TransformersPrimeGal



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Light Is Not Kira, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Future Fic, I wrote this because we need more fluff, Implied Relationships, L lives, Light and L are in a relationship, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Of the main cast anyway, One Shot, Romantic Fluff, Self-Acceptance, Self-Doubt, Self-Indulgent, Self-Reflection, anymore, could be taken as a christmas fic if desired, lawlight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-03-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:40:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22999336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TransformersPrimeGal/pseuds/TransformersPrimeGal
Summary: Light finds himself thinking on a cold, snowy evening. Contemplating his life and how he got there. Feelings of curiosity and guilt arise-He almost finds some dark amusement in the thought; yes, Kira would have judged him far more harshly than everyone else was. The irony of this wasn’t lost on Light at all. The punishment for doing exactly what Kira had done, would be swift and unquestionable in Kira’s eyes. He really was a hypocrite of another caliber.
Relationships: L & Yagami Light, L/Yagami Light
Comments: 5
Kudos: 102





	Cold Contemplation

**Author's Note:**

> Hey Y'all! New fic, who dis?
> 
> Lawlight, self indulgent fluff. I wrote this literally years ago?? And only now post it? Yup, sounds like me!
> 
> Enjoy~

Light looks at the area around him with a neutral expression, he acknowledges the cold with a serene indifference, taking in the night air.  
He found himself sitting silently on a bench out in front of his old college. It was winter, early December, and it was the week after winter break would have started for the students. He remembers this vaguely, and finds himself unable to formulate an answer as to why he was there at this moment.

It had been years since he had last seen the campus... A part of him finds dark amusement at the thought; was he ever really here? Or was that Kira too? 

He's found that question teasing at his mind more times than he'd like to count. The thought of him being an oblivious tool to what was essentially a manifestation of his own pride, morality and that book... It made him question who he was, who he could be, who he wanted to be. It made him yearn for his past narrow-mindedness in a sense. To have undying confidence that what he was doing was right, and that the end always justified the means. He often wished he could have that ignorance again, it was a freeing attitude. How could somebody become stressed if they could do no wrong? The idea seemed simple in concept; if he could do no wrong, then how could he possibly cause any trouble? Hurt anybody? Do anything wrong? 

He couldn't.

Of course now, sitting on a grey winter night, watching the snow fall carelessly to the ground under the streetlamps- He could see how flawed that logic was. Just because he didn't see something as being wrong, didn't mean it wasn't. Ignorance was bliss, but bliss was far from innocence. The world was a mirage of colours and spectrums, and one person couldn't hope to see them all. 

A lack of empathy would be the easiest way to explain his polarized perspective; but that didn't fit. He was empathetic at first, so empathetic he treated the world as if it was a child to coddled and protected. No. His true explanation came from selfish arrogance. That same unwavering determination and sureness that had pushed him past others; was what ultimately pulled him down. In justice, there can be no black and white. One god cannot rule over the land of the righteous and Just- lest himself become unworthy of such titles in his own self-appointed justification.

The very idea seemed unbelievable now. Now that he understood what it was like to actually be in a position of power that hadn't been falsely assumed. One that had admittedly been thrust upon him with casual words and unpredictable actions. The thought makes the young man smile faintly. The reason he had been snapped from his gluttonous power trip, seemed almost ironic at this point.

The cold stinging at his bare face reminded him of his solitary position outside. The snow was coating the bench he sat on, and he was sure he himself would be covered in the fluffy substance by the time he got back to his family's house. The thought brought with it memories of wet socks and numb fingers; making him internally grimace. He wasn't the biggest fan of the side effects of the snowfalls he had loved so dearly as a child, but he found that others detested it far more. This allowed certain areas to be more empty than usual, and gave him more leeway to think. 

Out in the freezing snow and brisk air, he didn't have to layer anything up besides his clothing. No false smiles with forced warmth, no obligatory charmed laugh, no unnaturally charismatic responses to weak attempts at conversation. Out here, he wasn't Light Yagami, brilliant student and young prodigy; that was something that was more comforting than most words or touches could ever be. The tension easing realization that for once he didn't have to act for the world, was invigorating. He didn't have to pretend. He was allowed to be someone most people didn't know. He was allowed to be himself.

He was allowed to be Light.

Brunette strands of hair slide gently into his eyes as he stands up from the bench, reminding him that he had forgotten a hat in his hurry to leave the house. Instead of letting the knowledge that his hair would need to be dried annoy him, he simply brushes the excess snow off of his jacket and moves his hands to his coat pockets.  
He starts down the street silently, keeping his gaze lowered on the path ahead of him. He finds himself watching the snow under his boots, wondering absently why some of the snow made a soft crunch under his feet when the rest was silent. He was almost instantly brought to a scientific conclusion revolving around the thickness and water levels- but he pushed it aside. He didn't want the answer for once. He wanted to just observe what was happening and accept it as it was.

He walked with just his own speculations as company for what seemed an eternity. Internally he noted that the walk was probably only twenty minutes or so given the distance and his pace, but he allowed himself this false sense of time loss simply for the mere novelty of it. Something compelled him to pause as he rounded the corner to the block where his family's house was located. Light leaned against the closest fence, and dragged his gaze down the street. He could see the house from where he was, the lights were on- reflecting softly against the snow outside. In comparison to the darkness outside, it seemed to exude warmth, welcoming anyone who needed a dry place to rest.

He knew it wasn't just a facade either; his mother had always been hospitable to anyone who would accept it, and his father couldn't deny anyone in need of shelter. His parents were good people. They both had a sense of morality and honour that was admirable. They had both done so much for the community, for their family. The brunette was positive that if it wasn't for their constant encouragement and pride, that he wouldn't be half of who he was today. He felt compelled to try and give back to them after all he had taken.  
Raising him was a difficult task; they had both been working and they had both had to juggle their outside lives with their home lives more than ever. Eventually his mother had given up her career to take care of him; the workload of which only doubled when Sayu was born.

Light sighs to himself, running a hand through his wet, snow speckled hair. He doesn’t even jump when a voice speaks up from beside him, sounding partially inquisitive despite the flat tone.

"You know, standing out in the snow will not be good for your hair Light-Kun...."

Light glances over at the man standing next to him momentarily. He's met with two obsidian eyes watching him with evident curiosity, the proximity of which he hadn't detected until the man they belonged to had made himself known.

"Standing out in the snow won't be good for your bare feet, either, L. " He replies, turning his head to look back at the house down the road. He knows L isn't wearing shoes or socks without having to look, even in the snow L is resistant to footwear. It doesn’t even take L a second before he responds, skipping straight to the point and watching Light closely, his thumb resting on his lower lip.

"What thoughts are you trying to hide...?" He replies without missing a beat, making Light sigh again, rubbing his face with a hand.

"Just because I don't want to talk about them, doesn’t mean I'm hiding them." Light grumbles, turning to L once more. He realizes he shouldn't have even replied; when L tilts his head a little bit. The detective somehow makes it look smug, without so much as a word or an expression shift.

"Why wouldn't you wish to talk about them, unless you were trying to hide them on some level...? I've come to expect trouble when you go quiet, Light-kun...and you are being very quiet...” The older male gets closer, leaning up a little bit from his slouch; an action that reminds Light that L, is in fact, taller than him- or would be if he ever stood up straight. The man pauses when his nose and Light's are inches from brushing.

Light frowns at him and leans back a little bit. He finds that he can't go much further, due to the fence behind him. He’s a little relieved when L doesn’t get any closer, however, his frown deepens when L simply studies him; onyx eyes meeting amber as the two stare at each other in silence; the chilling night air tousling their hair as it drifts by in the form of a small breeze.The two continue to stare into each other’s eyes, neither wanting to break the contact, neither wanting to be the first one to give in. Their unspoken competition of will lasts for countless minutes; until finally, Light finds himself growing tired of the somewhat childish standoff. The younger glances away harshly, peripherally noticing how L doesn’t seem to outwardly react to his subtle act of frustration. This fact makes annoyance stir inside of him, but it's quickly quelled when he feels a slim hand slip into his own.

"...Light, I can tell when you're letting things fester..." L says, speaking lowly and calmly; making Light turn to him, his frown less harsh than before and his demeanor calmer than a moment ago. Light lets out a slow, drawn out breath, and looks at L tiredly.

"...I can't help it, L. After all I did to everyone- to the world- To YOU...I just feel like I'm exactly the type of scot-free criminal I fought so hard to prevent. If I can’t adhere to the same rules and ideals I so strongly push on others, then I'm worse than they are." He murmurs distraughtly, his tone filled to the brim with frustration and above all else: Shame.  
L is silent as he listens to this. He had a suspicion that Light was stressed about something along those lines.

"You have not gotten off easy, Light...." The detective puts his hands on Light's shoulders. He makes direct eye contact, and searches Light's gaze as he speaks again.

"...The difference between you and them, is that you are paying for your past-... Grievances...- everyday....I know it still bothers you- I've had to wake you up from nightmares many, many times...." He trails off, his voice turning to a mumble. 

"Always about Kira..." 

Light looks down at his feet, not responding. Nightmares hardly seem like enough punishment for what he did. For what Kira did. He would take any punishment that the world threw at him, but he had always felt as if the world was going easy on him. Why? He wished he knew. He didn't deserve a break. Quite the opposite actually.  
He almost finds some dark amusement in the thought; yes, Kira would have judged him far more harshly than everyone else was. The irony of this wasn’t lost on Light at all. The punishment for doing exactly what Kira had done, would be swift and unquestionable in Kira’s eyes. He really was a hypocrite of another caliber.

The young adult was brought out of his dark lamenting, by a small sigh and a tap on his cheek. He glanced over in minuscule annoyance, and was greeted by the sight of L shaking his head at him. The younger male frowned, quirking a brow at the other.

“…What?” He didn’t quite mean for his query to sound so snappish, despite how it came out. L didn’t particularly care about his tone it would seem. He simply poked Light on the cheek again, this time a little harder: making Light frown more and move his face away from the detective’s offending finger. L simply speaks, as if he hadn’t just been poking Light without context.

“…I can tell you aren’t listening to me, Light-kun…” L explains, his tone low and distracted. He shakes his head again.

“I was listening to you L, I heard what you said-“ Light’s words are abruptly halted, and he freezes. L has straightened up more than before- It was still a little shocking to see him straighten up almost completely. L had gently taken Lights chin in his pale, spindly fingers; and lifted the younger's face up. He looks into Light’s eyes and speaks without breaking the contact.

“You heard me… but you’re not listening…” The man murmurs, his words ringing with a small background hum. The type of hum that just goes naturally with his deep voice and often monotone range. Light has noticed it before, but it’s never been quite as distracting as it was in that moment. He makes sure he’s focused when L speaks to him again, searching onyx eyes for any extra explanation or shift. He’s fairly sure he won’t find anything. L is a hard person to read sometimes, especially when it comes to emotions. The man was like a blank slate when he wanted to be, not even a trained psychologist could probably crack the man’s stoic mask.

“You, Light Yagami, are not Kira. You were never Kira to be exact... Kira was something else entirely, and you were simply another of his victims… A different victim than the others; but a victim nonetheless. You do not have to pay for his crimes, just as a dog does not pay for every other canine a flea has bitten before them. This is not a matter of the world going easy on you, or others not understanding- This is a matter of you being overly harsh on actions you believe you had a say in. I am here, right now, to tell you- as the lead investigator on the Kira Case- that you did not.” There is nothing in his tone or his eyes that would make Light think he was lying. Despite the spark of doubt that has embedded itself into Light’s stomach, and the uncertainty he has lingering in the back of his mind- he feels himself believing L. the man certainly knows about the situation, he knows the ins and outs of the investigation- and he knows more about Light’s thought process than the man had originally suspected was the case.

He pauses for a long time; allowing the silence to stretch on in the cold air that seemed so different compared to the warmth he felt settling in his chest. If at any time during their relationship, he had doubted L’s care for him- this moment quickly wiped it from his mind. Why would he be so invested in making sure Light didn’t ball up his guilt until it consumed him? Why would he have done any of the things he had done for Light; if he hadn’t cared about him? The thought was absurd.

“… I believe you…” 

The words are barely above a whisper, but the meaning behind them spoke volumes. L can tell Light means what he’s saying; he’s being genuine. Amber eyes show nothing but sincerity and understanding, mixed with something else. Something warm and comforting that L has only seen when they’ve been alone- or with Light’s family. Light hesitates to move closer to L. the decision is made FOR him however, when he is pulled closer by the raven haired man in front of him. He can practically smell the sickening sweetness on L’s breath, see the way the closest street lamp’s rays create a sheen on the dark hair that sits like a messy mop on the insomniac’s head. He barely has a moment to register what’s happening, before he’s being pulled into a kiss. 

Light’s soft lips meet with L’s slightly chapped ones, and he can taste the sweetness he had smelled a moment ago. L tastes like frosting and tea; despite the oddness of the combination, it works to create a flavour that’s distinctly… L. The brunette can feel L’s lithe fingers slip themselves into his hair and he can’t help but return the favour. The older man’s hair has always been an object of Light’s curiosity. It was somehow the perfect balance between messy, unruly and greasy- while maintaining a healthy colour, silky texture and attractively unkempt charm. He would never understand how L had managed to keep it as such.

The two of them keep the lip lock for a couple more minutes of silence. Eventually, L pulls back just enough to breathe. He can hear his and Light’s quickened breath coming out in short puffs of air, the warmth tickling his cheek. The detective gently rests their foreheads together, not saying anything. He doesn’t feel he needs to, it’s all unspoken yet understood. He glances down to meet Light’s half-lidded gaze. He moves his hands out of the younger’s hair, and runs them down to rest on Light’s waist. His touch is soft and barley even noticeable, yet his fingers leave behind a trail of warmth in their wake.

The two stand there, watching each other and saying nothing; snow falling from the sky around them in white pristine flakes. The streetlamp next to them provides a calming blanket of yellows and soft oranges, illuminating the small bits of snow that have nestled their way into the pair’s uncovered hair. The shorter of the two gives a small hum, and leans in again; giving L a slow, tender kiss. Just a delicate brushing of their lips. He gives a small, placid smile once he pulls back again. He carefully takes L’s hands in his own.

“…C’mon… Let’s head back…” He whispers, taking L’s hands and pulling him patiently along back towards the Yagami household. The other genius allows himself to be pulled along, and feels a subtle smile grace his features.

As they get closer, they can hear the soft sound of music coming from inside the house. Its notes flowing from an ajar window out into the skiff of snow, and reflecting back around the house like a wall of sound. Light could hear laughter and voices speaking happily amongst the music. He recognized them as his family, and felt a smile tugging at his lips. 

The grip on the other male’s hand tightened affectionately as he felt a fluttering warmth in his stomach, spreading to his chest. He smiled more when he felt the raven haired man give a tiny squeeze back. 

As he reached for the handle and opened the door into his family home; he felt an airy freedom that he hadn’t experienced since he had first gotten rid of Kira.  
He had a bright future ahead, with the people that he loved. He had his whole life ahead of him, but for now he felt the need to embrace the moment. The world was better than he had once thought, the coldness and anger he had once felt inside was shifting into something else entirely.

Although it was dark outside, and the snow was damp and cold- his home was warm and welcoming. There would always be light to shine through; he just had to find it… He would find it, and he would make sure it never went out. The good would always shine through the bad, he was in control of his own life…

His own world…

Perhaps he was the god of his own new world after all…


End file.
